but it's part of me.

I've been blogging for nearly six years now. Learning to blog has been difficult (thanks to my personality) and the road has been littered with bumps and bruises. In finding my voice, I blogged in anger directly at people, but learned quickly that the words I've written will come back and bite me in the butt.

Trust me, I still wrestle with an occasional bite.

As I've continued to write, I've discovered the art of blogging from more of a vague stance both for the purpose of venting as well as for recording the season I happen to be in at that particular day in my life.

I've hidden my blog more times than I can count, mostly out of hurt and frustration. I've started new blogs (entire sites) as well as occasionally removing a post to maintain my own sanity.

But at the end of the day, I maintain (as many other bloggers will) that this little piece of the internet, is as much a part of me as say, an actual diary, or a child. It requires attention and love if I want it to blossom. It has sparked friendships and conversation beyond my wildest imagination.

But this past week, I had a conversation with someone that pointed out that my IRL friends had been hurt by my blogging, and asked how this piece of me was effective when it hurt people in my life.

And I was speechless for a few minutes.

Even though DC has been up and running for four years, I didn't let my friends know until about 2 1/2 years ago that it was up and available to be viewed. When I did, I immediately exposed myself to them, in a vulnerable emotional sense like never before. While I've had moments I wish I could take it all back, clarity reminds me that I don't blog for anybody else but me.

this is MY dialogue.
these are my words.

Have I articulated things here as a catalyst for conversation? Yes. Has that conversation always been initiated? No. And conversation... is TWO-FOLD. It requires someone to step up to the plate and ask the questions. Whether that someone is me, or not, is up in the air. Blogging has been a way, at times, that I've found a voice where I had no courage to start the conversation. And it's also been a place where I openly vent, about something in my circle, or something on a much larger scale.

But at the end of all of those 1,422 days, it's still a part of me.

And any blogger will tell you that.

Will I do this forever? I don't know, but this is part of me in this season of my life. In the future, my husband and children will have the opportunity, whether they choose to take it or not, to read my thoughts and hurts, and celebrate my losses and joys.

I have some serious junk in my past. It's ugly and caused great pain. (Truthfully, we all have some junk!) God's grace and mercy are the only reason I've overcome them. This voice, this medium if you will, has been one of the ways that I've been able to reflect and see how far I've come because of God's grace, mercy, and redemption. I've been criticized because I haven't aired out all of the things I've struggled with and never will, but I live by the theology that you do not need to know all of the details of suffering to know that it exists. You merely celebrate and praise God that we can overcome the suffering by grace, mercy, love, repentance, redemption, and forgiveness.

And for now, I intend to keep blogging. Because it's a part of me.

"Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that. Fairy tales tell children that the dragons can be killed." - G.K. Chesterton -